Year End Review 2011

Is it really 2012?

Am I the worst blogger out there?

This has been an interesting year...

Do I give you the "pretty version" or the TRUE LIFE version of this year?

PRETTY VERSION
We did go to Disney world in February. That was fun...

I believe in being honest. Here comes the TRUE LIFE version.

I remember starting 2011 crying at the top of the stairs in our home telling Ted that I couldn't do another 2010. I needed 2011 to be a year of change. I could not continue in the same routine.

Without going into TONS of detail .... we had been in ministry for 10 years and honestly, I was WORN OUT. There are SO MANY THINGS I love about being in ministry but it seemed that those had been LONG LOST in finding my identity in SECOND THINGS (people, church, relationships) instead of in first things (MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS, knowing HIM)

My emotions went something like this...
Church went well on a Sunday... new faces... growth - I WAS GREAT.
a family left our church, attendance seemed down... DREARY... I WAS NOT GOOD.

I thought we went to church to WORSHIP THE LORD... To learn about HIM. To GLORIFY HIM by the gathering of believers, the meeting together to WORSHIP...
well, I lost that somewhere ... and honestly, it seemed like it had been gone for YEARS.

So in February, we expressed our weariness to a few men in our church. They came and met with us.
We pressed on... good at times, great at times... hard at times...

September came and the little engine that could... COULD NOT ANY MORE.
We took 6 weeks off to rest, pray and SEEK THE LORD.

NOW OF COURSE, this is the Tracie version... there is a Ted version too... but I am writing this so it's from a "pastor's wife" perspective. He felt that same weariness. But one thing I learned... MY HUSBAND IS A LONG SUFFERER. He will be last in battle.

He was weary... but I think my weariness was heart breaking for him. The Lord put us together as ONE... and I fought and fought feeling GUILTY about breaking down because I believed Ted COULD keep going.

During those 6 weeks, we recognized a lot.

First, we were WORN OUT.
We felt like we were building a plane while in the air. (we were church planting... and it felt like we were church planting all over because the couples we moved here with had moved back to their hometowns). We LOVE our body of believers... but we are all PEOPLE. WITH OPINIONS. ALL SINNERS (including me!!!) and I (personally) was exhausted from dealing with people. I was even tired of myself!

Second, anytime during this 6 weeks off that we thought about going back and giving it our all again.. He (the Lord) would gently say "no. I want you to rest. process. be restored. grieve."
During this time, we also sat and just began to process the last 10 years. During these 10 years, we have had 4 children, lost both of my parents, went into ministry, moved across the United States, helped plant a church, had LOADS of changes... We knew it was time. We have been so scared to let go. Sometimes what is familiar, even if it is hard, feels comfortable because it's familiar... so we hang on. WITH WHITE KNUCKLES.

He was saying "LET GO." MY WAYS AND THOUGHTS ARE HIGHER THAN YOURS. (Isaiah 55:8)

OK... so how do we make it? We have 4 kids. Ted was an engineer before he was a pastor. Haven't done that in 10 years. I have a photography business but can we live on that.. don't think so. HELLO INSURANCE? Our church family is our LIFE. It's been our social circle, our FRIENDS, our job... everything.

JESUS SAYS "I WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING" "DO YOU TRUST ME?"

Honestly, I struggle with trust. A LOT. I'm a go getter. A do-er. A worker. NOT A RISK TAKER. AT ALL.
This was too risky. WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

Isaiah 41:10( the message) - Don't panic. I'm with you.
There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

Ted stepped down as pastor in October. We did not feel good about looking for a job until he stepped down from this position.
The comical part is we got his resume together (Mechanical Engineering) and sent it out and we got a "NO THANK YOU" right away from one company.

WAS THIS WHAT WE WERE STEPPING INTO??? a world of NO THANK YOUs.

The Lord has been so good to us.
WE ARE STILL WAITING... but in the waiting, HE HAS PROVIDED CONTRACT WORK FOR TED. We are so thankful TO JESUS for Ted being recommended to a ministry that is out of Connecticut. He is writing web content for their website. He has had such a great experience. He has done some work as well with a friend here in town. God has provided for us!
We have applied to carry our own insurance and will be doing so starting TODAY.

Psalm 30:7-9 ⁷ “Two things I ask of you, LORD; do not refuse me before I die: ⁸ Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. ⁹ Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

We have been worshiping at a church locally that has welcomed us in and the pastor and his wife have met with both Ted and I (separately) and have said "let us ministry to your weary souls". We are not looking for a new church. We are not in that place at all. We are just trying to be still and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. (Psalm 46:10)